Im trying t understand my reasoning behind the things I do
Why my liking for girls adn my wanting to satisfy everyone but myself consumes my actions
Its like I put everything else aside and invest my life in those I like
my phone stays close by, my emotions become deeple engaged, my nights always together, adn my days yearning to be near again.
why? im trying to understand my reasoning behind the things I do.
(I guess) Im afraid of being alone
I have a hard time falling asleep with no one around me
(I can't) I love talking on the phone with someone I might have the potential to bone
haha (just thought I put that in there)
But I was thinking I wanted to go back to messing with guys...
What a thought!
But the feeling of pleasing girls.
The warm feeling of knowing your'e making someone feel good
The emotions, the actions, the words, the sounds...
Its like my touch, my soft caress
My lips, my wet tongue aganist your hips.
My hands, fingers and a whole lot of tricks
oh the feeling I get,
the warm feeling I get when I know Im pleasing a girl
But Im trying to understand why I do the things I do
Why do girls and ppl consume my everyday actions?
Its not because Im ugly, or cant get friends (Is it?)
(just thought I put that in there. haha)
Maybe its because of my past
Maybe its because it was just my mother and I growing up
Maybe its because I had no father figure
Dont know where he went, dont even remember when he left
You know 2 years ago, I recieved a call...
It was him, he asked "Kristina why dont you ever call me?"
He also asked me "how old are you now?"
And, "I didnt know you played baskeball!?"
At that instance I looked at the phone and cried!
How dont you know that!
Everyone knows that!
How dont you know how old I am? Im your daughter
I cried, I cried.
I thought maybe if you werent on the street doing drugs you would know that
But then i forgot and reminded myself, yes my father is a crack head.
I cried again, and called my mother.
She consoled me the little that she could, but what much could she say?
She tossed me around from aunt to aunt to my grandma finally where I stayed until she was ready.
You see my mom was a work-a-holic, she had no time for me.
She was strong, finished high school, college and even after "raising" me went back to grad school to get her masters
How could she do all of that and still raise a daughter?
Well she had to choose and guess who won?
Work won.
I was just there.
She would even bring guys in and have sex around me.
Like I said, I was just there...a mistake you could say.
Enough of that.
I now know why I do the things I do.
Why do I want girls to feel so good...
it makes me feel like im worth something, I was put here for a purpose
why do I invest so much into girls, no one has ever invested anything in me.
Why girls and not boys?
I like to see emotions, emotions that most of the time I control.
Yes control, I have the option of....
bringing her flowers--making her smile,
on banging her back out--making her tear and moan.
or if its doing what I want, when I want--making her cry and upset.
why do I wait by the phone, or call so much?
I dont want to be alone.
I dont want to be pushed to the side anymore.
I dont want them to have to look to another option.
I am the best and only.



So now I somewhat understand my reasoning for my actions.